Sometimes in between the not so everyday moments of everyday there is this space, this loop in time where anything can be questionable. Well, I call them ‘loops’ because of their spontaneousness and strange ability to make you stop and think. They remind me of a perfect circle with a random squiggle where someone knocked your shoulder and you just think “why”. Enter anecdote.
When I was younger, I would happily be reading a book. After a while I would raise my head from the pages and wonder aloud, “Is my life simply a dream?” Dumbfounded, I would think and think of how my life could be an empty slate with the single blink of an eye (a saying that I remember authors seemed to like. A lot.). I guess a distorted phobia took hold soon after. From that moment on I developed a YOLO (You Only Live Once) like approach to things. But then, #YOLO wasn’t a sensation then. Shame. I painted, drew, kept a diary, wrote poems, danced and of course read books; living out my life. In those loopy moments we think of ‘after’ and how we should live out each day. A very psychologist-y comment however be advised that I’m no psychologist. I’m a human. Like you.
I used to think those loops were bouts of depression actually. I thought that the questioning thoughts were a sign that my world was turning negative. Luckily I was either wrong or I somehow pulled myself out of that possibility. The thing is I never told anyone about my quick and rash conclusions and I know that I wouldn’t have been able to cope with all the precautionary tests so I’m happy that I didn’t. “You need to make your own decisions, that’s life”. What’s life? That became the subject of my loops in between stalking the internet for good Polaroids and Instagram. I decided that I wanted to have my life organised and planned out. I used to think, “What am I doing?” whilst I was clearly playing the piano. No, I wasn’t pondering what my hands were doing, I knew for a fact that they were moving and translating notes on the score to music. I was thinking, “What am I doing in life?”. I had often wondered about that, touched on the thought. So in the spur of the moment I decided to make a work-load timetable as a sort of visual proof of what I was spending my time doing. Et voilà un loop. I remember feeling very satisfied that night, but in truth I never really used the timetable. I was simply happy that I had put my thoughts into actions and pleased a mental judgment God.
I imagine a loop to be that moment when you snap out of a daze, yet seen from the outside it’s quite the opposite. From the outside it’s like a person is being their busy modern self when suddenly they dive headfirst into a daze of contemplation, of thinking, of what’s, of why’s. It’s in moments like these where you see the world as it is. Or at least I do. It’s in moments like these where you see that the city, yes the city where you have your daily hot chocolate, suddenly looks like it has too many people and the view becomes very Instagram worthy. Perhaps we do need to question the squiggle in the circle sometimes. We don’t always have to rub it out completely, but we can set the circle on a new course, let it develop…like a Polaroid.